This post is not wedding related at all. However, it is very Thirty-Something Bride-ish. A little peek into what kind of woman The Thirty-Something Bride is, if you will.
For the last two years, we have been getting phone calls at home for a guy who does not live with me and The Candyman. We have a cat, but there is no similarity in names there. In order to protect all identities of all people, I’m making up names. We will call the guy people are calling for The Big Spender. Now Big must have gotten himself into some financial strains. How do I know this? Because collection agencies have been calling the house for (like I said) TWO YEARS. Now, let’s just pretend that my name is The Thirty Something Bride Notabig Spender. Let’s also pretend that The Candyman’s name is Big Candyman (perhaps a name I call him privately, but not his name at all). You might be able to see why people might think that The Big Spender lives at our house. Well, he does not.
This is a fact that I have been sharing with these multiple collection agencies for the last TWO YEARS. Have I mentioned that yet? Two. Years. I have threatened these people who call me on Sunday morning at 7:30am (oh yes, they do). Or Saturday at 8:30am. Or 6 or 7 times during the day (so says the caller ID). I have threatened them many times with the wrath of my anger. I have called the numbers back and threatened. I have been sweet. I have begged. I have yelled. These people totally suck.
So there was a message this week from some law office and they left a phone number and extension.
I called this number on my way to work this morning. I spoke to a woman. Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: Hi, my name is The Thirty Something Bride Notabig Spender. I have been getting calls at my home for the last two years for The Big Spender. There is no one here by that name.
Bitchface: What is your name?
Me: The Thirty Something Bride Notabig Spender. Listen, you guys are not calling the right person. You keep calling me at horrid times and I have called and called and…
Bitchface: What’s your phone number?
Me: Listen, it’s 555-555-5555 but I’ve been down this road before! Can I please talk to a supervise….
Whoa. Really? Noooooo, she didn’t just hang up on me. Did she? Well, let’s call back and find out.
Me: Hi. This is The Thirty Something Bride Notabig Spender. I was just speaking to someone about an issue I have.
Bitchface: Yes, mam. We probably just got disconnected.
Me: Oh, OK. Listen, you guys are not getting this right. There is no one in this house or in my family or anyone’s family of anyone I know named The Big Spender. Can you….
Oh. Really? Really? This time I call back and I don’t enter the extension, but dial zero.
Dickhead: Hello, this is Dickhead, how may I help you?
Me: Yes, hi. I would like to speak to the Customer Service Manager, please.
Dickhead: Yes, mam. I can help you with that. I’m a manager.
Me: Great! Listen, I was just talking to a woman and I think she hung up on me because I’m frustrated about you guys calling me all the time.
*Slow, menacing smile* Now. Now, we will have some phone-fun.
Me: (after Dickhead answers) Really? Really? Is this where you want to take it?
Dickhead: I am so sorry, mam. I think we just got disconnected.
Me: Really? I need someone who is going to listen to….
Bitchface: DO YOU NOT HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME!?!
Me: Actually, right now, no. I really don’t.
Bitchface: HAVEN’T YOU EVER DIALED A WRONG NUMBER BEFORE? I TOOK YOUR NAME OFF THE DAMN LIST!
Me: Sure, I’ve dialed a wrong number before, but not for TWO YEARS. What are you, a fucking idiot?
Dial. This time it went directly to voice mail.
Me: Yeah, you know I had to call you back. You know it. Have I made my point clear? ‘Click’
Now, I am probably going to have to unplug my phones for the next week or so as they might retaliate. I mean, they do have my home phone number.
P.S. Winner of the big contest to be announced later today!