Stress

Photo by Deviant Art.

Wedding planning is supposed to be a great time in a woman's life right? All the birds are chirping, the sun is shining and I'm supposed to be pooping rainbows, right?

And then reality sets it.

To add to the of planning, the state of the economy and trying to afford a wedding, I've received a blow today that just adds to the stress I'm already feeling. My company is merging with another and upper management salaries were just decreased 10%, across the board. Executive management salaries were cut even deeper. Lots of people were laid off, mostly from within the other company that merged with us, but a few within our organization too.

I feel like someone took a knife and stabbed me in the heart. I feel like someone took years of my hard work and completely stripped me of it. I feel as if I got laid off. I feel like I can no longer afford the wedding I've paid thousands of dollars in deposits for.

I know I'm supposed to feel lucky because I have a job. I do. I am lucky in that regard. I know that in brighter times, my company rewarded me generously and will do so again in better times. I know that in order to survive later, we must sacrifice now.

I know these things. It doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't change the fact that my paycheck will be significantly lower starting next week. It doesn't change the fact that I now have to go back and try to squeeze water from a stone when it comes to the wedding budget AND our household budget.

I'm hurt. I'm upset. I have a raging headache that's been with me since 8:15am when the blow was delivered. I'm angry. I'm really angry. I want to take my anger out on someone....something. I pity the person in front of me at the light this afternoon who hesitates a nano-second at the light.

Here's my blame list: *Republicans, please stop reading now.*
I saw Dick Cheney on Meet The Press this weekend and wanted to strangle him.
I blame Cheney and his puppet GW for this gigantic mess. I blame the people in my company who sought personal financial gain and glory over a company-wide profit scenario. I blame Wall Street greed. I blame The Real Housewives of Orange County/New York/Atlanta/New Jersey for their idiotic anecdotes they are trying to pass as off as "real life." I blame fast food restaurants for being the only affordable food that is slowly killing our country's poor and our children. I blame myself for spending over $100 this weekend on shoes for me and The Candyman. I blame Davidson County for increasing the value of my home during a recession, when home values are at their lowest in decades, in order to build profit in taxes. I blame myself for being emotionally unprepared for the inevitable. I feel like GW and Cheney just took my wedding and shoved it in a greasy paper sack and left it outside for wild animals to tear apart while Jenna and her husband, I'm sure, are happily (and probably expensively) enjoying their first year anniversary today.

Man, am I low. I had hoped to blog about favors today, but maybe not. Tomorrow might be better, yes?

Today I still have a job. Today I have good health. Today I have love. Today. Be present. Be mindful. Be careful, for tomorrow comes. Yes? Yes.