Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Bitch is the New Black!

My second grade teacher, Mrs. Swan, was a total bitch. She wouldn't let me go to the bathroom one day when it was clear I really had to go. I mean, seven year old's don't fake that shit. I didn't have to go at the bathroom break time, but 15 minutes later, I did. I got lectured in front of the entire class how I was disrupting the class by not going when I was supposed to. While she was lecturing me and the class, I was dancing around holding my crotch with both hands praying that I would make it to the potty as soon as the lecture was over. Once the lecture and my public ridicule over, she grabbed my arm and dragged me to her desk, I'm sure for further abuse. She never got the chance to because when she pulled my arms away from my crotch, the dam burst and I pee'd. Right there in front of God and everyone, right there in front of her desk. I'd say I got even with the bitch. What happened afterward continues to be a story from hell, but my point here is bitchiness.

There is a time and a place for bitchiness. Generally, I have to agree that you get more bees with honey than with shit, but I don't often practice what I preach. The Candyman considers this a hypocrisy that he cannot abide. I consider it a lapse in good judgment as well a maturity level that escapes me from time to time. Potatoe, potato. I'm working on it.

But what stirs my pot the most is plain old stupidity. To illustrate, allow me show you a few pictures of what my office looks like at present. I took these pictures while standing on my desk this morning. In totality, I have 452 samples all over the place that I have to decide down to 100 based on design, price, size, style, color, sellability, marketability, profit dollars and profit margin.

Here's the view exiting my office and looking into the empty cubicle.
And the view down the hall...
And what I'm affectionately calling "The Loser Cube" - the product I've rejected thus far...

So I've got all this crap everywhere that I am now 2 weeks behind in culling down to a manageable January 2010 release of product. I'm sure you are all thinking, "Well, Thirty-Something Bride, if you got off your Google Reader and did some work, maybe you'd be further along." Au contraire, mes amis. The Thirty-Something Bride does not shirk her responsibilities. She is at a standstill because of certain people who keep bumping her from their approval schedule. Ahem.
However, I need to get back to the reason for my bitchiness, which is stupidity. This morning I was a Tasmanian Devil of action - flying to and fro to get shit done. Our (generally) very competent warehouse guy comes up to me and tells me that two long awaited for giant glass hurricanes arrived from India. In a million pieces.

Him: Would you like me to bring you all the pieces?
Me: Of what?
Him: The glass.
Me: Eh? What? What are you asking me?
Him: Do you need to see the broken glass?
Me: Is there a reason I need to inspect the shattered glass? Do you feel there's something special about this particular broken glass as opposed to any other glass I've seen that's broken?
Him: No.
Me: There's you're answer.

Definitely a bit bitchy.

Now, he walks away in a huff because I know he thinks that he's trying to be uber-helpful. I'm not sure how, but he thinks and says this often, so I'm pretty sure he's grumpy now. As he's walking away I realize that what I needed was actually not the glass pieces but the base and rim replacements. So as he's walking away this passes between us:

Me: Hey! Wait a sec! I don't even really need the glass. I just need the base and rim replaced. I have the incorrect samples here. You can just change out the glass for the correct colors. Problem solved!
Him: You want me to do that?
Me: *blank stare*
Him: *walks away*

Now, this guy's job is to unpack and assemble samples. My job (the part that involves this guy) is to prioritize the unpacking of what comes in and any specific details he needs to know regarding the samples. Who the eff else would put it together?? He then goes to the effort of bringing me these pieces that I am just going to have to send back with him and the other pieces to assemble. This is an annoyance on my part, but extra work for him. I just don't get it. At all.

I pull a lot of bitchy one-liners on people who waste my time. Why? I have a lot of crap to do, am responsible to a lot of people and responsible for millions of dollars of merchandise (still trying to figure out how I got here and why people are trusting me to do this). I am begging of you, please listen when I tell you something. Read what I write to you. All the answers are there, I promise. Please don't ask me if I want to look at broken glass. Am I being bitchy? Yes, I am. But like Tina Fey tells us, bitches get stuff done. Watch to the end if you've never seen it. It's a favorite of mine. Enjoy!


  1. its funny how much your office looks like ours. :)

  2. And ours. Although I think I just figured out your job :P I'll admit, I have been curious based on our similar industries.

  3. @The Future Mrs. Smith & Little Spoon - shhhhhhh.

  4. I am surprised to hear that you are only 2 weeks behind!

  5. Got to love the Fey! There is nothing wrong with being direct!

  6. First of all, this post had me laughing so freaking hard, I had to read it twice! If there was anything that law school taught me, it was that sometimes you've gotta be a little bitchy to get the results you want! (And, I'm sure The Candyman will agree with me that there are quite a few bitches in law school! haha!) But, I don't think that it is being bitchy so much as it is being "no-nonsense." At least that's what I keep telling myself! :)

    And, in regards to your comment on my Workout post, girl, don't tempt me! I would freaking LOVE to meet you at the YMCA! I need someone hardcore to push me! I'm actually not in bad shape...I just sometimes lack the requisite motivation! I'm serious...you just tell me when and where, and I will totally be there and ready to sweat! :)